Enneagram type 2 foster mom3/21/2024 ![]() ![]() I don’t think it’s that different from doing something like an overseas mission or being in the military, in terms of the support needed. But foster care requires a specific, deeply-invested kind of village. Parenting in any capacity requires a village, certainly. It is my job to offer it every time, in every way I can.Ĥ. And above all, I’ve learned that it’s not up to me to decide if someone is worthy of my help, compassion, love, or grace. I’ve been given gifts they received at their baby showers to prepare for the child that they are not allowed to parent. I’ve looked into their eyes, filled with desperation to parent their child. Most of the time, it’s the result of systemic forces and generational barriers that are incredibly difficult to overcome – poverty, untreated mental illness, addiction, mass incarceration, teen pregnancy, unavailable affordable housing, and more. I have never met a parent who woke up one day and decided to make an unsafe environment for their child. It’s easy for me to sit here, a white, educated, English-speaking woman with enough money and an unending support system and say that a parent should not have done something that resulted in removal of children. I’ve learned that there are no heroes in foster care, and there are no villains. But it illustrates a bigger problem to me. The savior mentality is hard to avoid, especially when outsiders frequently applaud me for being “a saint.” I assure you, I’m not. I am not the hero, and they are not the villain. But these kids deserve someone to get into the suffering with them to be willing to experience great loss because they are absolutely worth it.ģ. Saying goodbye to my first foster son a week before he turned 1 was the hardest thing I have ever done, and it brings me to tears even now. I can be the adult who suffers a loss so that these kids have a shot at a more secure future. It’s critically important that my kids attach completely to me so they learn secure, healthy attachment. But here’s the thing- I am a secure, emotionally mature (mostly :)) adult who can withstand deep loss. When people learn that I am a foster parent, the #1 response is some version of, “Oh, I could NEVER do that! I’d get too attached, and would never be able to say goodbye to the kids!” That’s a normal human reaction: to turn away, push away from something that seems very painful. Fostering is an in-your-face reminder every day that you are not in control (of anything).Ģ. His future was uncertain most of that time, and I had to learn that I can advocate with open hands to whatever is best for him. ![]() ![]() My first placement was a four-day old baby boy who I parented for 11.75 months. But once I started caring for tiny vulnerable people with no say in their future, it got a lot harder. I like to be pretty go with the flow (enneagram 7). I never thought of myself as a person who needed control. I’m still processing all that I’ve learned over the last year, but here are a few of my takeaways 18 months into this gig:ġ. It’s parenting on a roller coaster, with lots of other people involved. I’ve got a lot of experience with infants and kids and feel pretty comfortable there. I LOVE the parenting part caring for these children is my greatest joy. But now I’m a parent – to other people’s children. I thought I’d seen it all – I’ve been a CASA, an attorney for kids, a mentor for teen girls, a NICU volunteer, and a board member of local nonprofits involved in advocacy for vulnerable kids and families. I’ve been in the foster care world for 17 years, since I was in high school. I’ve learned four things from my first 18 months as a foster parent. I also love speaking and writing and chatting with people about foster care, Broadway shows, Austin, politics, and basically everything! I currently have a 6 month old baby girl in my care, and she’s my third placement. For my day (and let’s be honest, often night) job, I’m a trial attorney for a small litigation firm. I’m Hallie Graves from Austin, Texas, and I’m a 33-year old single foster mom. ![]()
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